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Lion, Where Are You?
* Please make a lion jump to Lion Hearts 2017 Part II Wordpress to arrive at the revamped and expanded version of this blog *
Rob Nanninga 1990
Since I was a baby, I loved stuffed animals, to this day. This love has a tragic side. When I lost one, I could cry for hours, days, weeks... Inseperable as with very best friends of flesh and blood.
Besides hug bunnies I had a hug lion, orange with long manes, something like this, but more sophisticated:
Here's the last photo of this stuffed lion's mortal remains before I disposed of it (I regret it, but still: there was really nothing left of it) because it was in such poor condition - my precious and smart birdie Orange-breasted waxbill - "Goudbuikje" on top of it:
Since May 30 this day, I have lost my skeptic hug lion. I'm talking about Rob Nanninga. We met on the internet in (2005-)2006. Since then, we emailed each other (I emailed him more than he me). He passed away on May 30, 2014, leaving me feeling shattered and lost.
Our contact was like the tides of the sea. He was always there and always on my mind. It was - and is - like a spell, a very sweet but painful spell. He had enchanted me and there was nothing I could do about it, or he, for that matter.
When I sometimes lost sight of my plush lion as a kid, I called for him (remember, I was just a little kid): "Lion, where are you?" Lion used to be hiding under my bed, or in the corner of my bed, hidden under a pile of sheets and blankets. He never was really lost, I always found him again. How lost I was without him. Like when I lost my the plush bunny. Sometimes, I even wrote a small note saying: "Where are you, Lion?" and left it on my bed, hoping Lion would see it and come back. He always did.
And now, I'm looking for Rob.
I have been looking for Rob since he 'disappeared'. I was badly shaken up and left for South Lake Tahoe on June 5, on my own; I drove up there and stayed a couple of days in a hotel (I checked out June 7). I had to process this, but found out, I couldn't. Not really. Since that week, I have felt Rob. But he didn't show himself, the contact was always sideways, one way or the other.
Because he was the skeptic par excellence, always saying it
doesn't exist, and there is no such thing as an afterlife, no such thing as spirits wandering about, out-of body experiences like in: really out of the body, the benchmark had been set exceptionally high. I'm very hard on myself now, but also for him, because he was the one, persevering it was not possible. So if I was to believe Rob (the Earthly Rob), he isn't there anymore. My skeptic Lion would be lost forever.
The reason that I come up with this anyway, is that I'm still trying to deal with this. I believe he is my soul mate, the one, like two trees in one - I sent him this photo in June 2012:
I made this photo in Yosemite National Park. I wrote in an accompanying text that this was him and me. Yes, I talked to him like that and he remained silent about it, never encouraging me, but never stopping me either. Jeroen knew and knows Rob was and is important to me, because I told him. Jeroen is as important to me, he's my husband for all the right reasons in the world: true love.
Since Rob passed away, my out-of-body experiences have returned in a very vivid and frequent manner, like they were in the most intense OBE years. Somehow, I had gotten slightly saturated with over a thousand OBEs (about 35-50 every year). Yes, they would still come, but not as frequent and intense as in the heyday. Now, it's heyday again. A lot of them involve Rob.
I have been looking desperately for Rob, while out of body. I have called his name out loud, in weird, off-places where I would ask myself: "Why, in Heaven's name, would Rob be here? This is sheer randomness." I have called him several times during several out-of-body experiences. Wandering around, trying to catch a glimpse of him, looking in the crowd, not finding him.
Though there were some out-of-body experiences where I had the feeling I met him, he possibly chose another appearance, to make it easier on him and me. And though I communicated telepathically, he would not show himself the way I have known him.
He still seems to be the shy and humble person, he always was. And now he knew, what he had meant to me all these years, how deeply I had been involved, and still am, the contact would be noticeably loaded.
As his skeptic friends (maybe?) will read this, they'll think: she's dreaming again, and always was. But I don't care. I have to express this, because a heart that's in real pain, cries, and tears flow over.
Yes, I am critical about this contact too, very critical. But I felt totally lost, even before I got Jan Willem Nienhuys' e-mail that Rob was found dead behind his computer on Friday morning May 30, 2014, age 58. That Thursday evening, I was beside myself. There was no explanation; I was extremely upset at everything I undertook.
That Friday morning, Jeroen and I had an appointment at the dentist's. Again, I felt extremely upset, not knowing why, even to that point I stopped our car on the middle of the highway, on our way back, in midst heavy traffic. Jeroen, of course, was very upset with me.
Despite of this, we returned home safely, but we had a big fight over this stopping on the middle of the higway. I walked up to my computer and read this death notice about Rob immediately. My dear friend, Jan Willem Nienhuys, had notified me. Then I knew why I had been so extremely upset since Thursday evening. That was the time Rob died; there's a time difference between the Netherlands and California of 9 hours. I remember I was very upset around 8.30 PM on Thursday May 29. And that Friday morning.
To me personally, this is proof that Rob and I are connected in inexplicable ways. I can't prove it, I know and I'm very humble about that. I'm not claiming science here.
Getting more desperate, each and every day, I started looking for him during out-of-body experiences.
I never met him on Earth, and I now resent myself for not being more persuasive (and I already was very demanding
, that was the word Rob was using to describe my behavior). I know what Rob looked like, and I had even seen him during out-of-body experiences while he was still on Earth. To me, this was enough, for the time being. But I thought of him almost all the time. I invited him to California, and Jeroen knew about it. Rob was surprised, but he did not (want to) come.
I emailed him in a recent email that I could see him with my eyes closed, even when he was at the other end of the Universe. I had no clue what Rob was thinking, reading my almost lyrical expressions, but I just couldn't withhold this, it was and is stronger than me. Jokingly, I even called myself the 'Rob-whisperer' one time, teasing him with this, when he once again was not answering my e-mails very much.
And now he is
there, at the other end of the universe.
Early morning of September 30, 2014, I was looking for him again during an OBE. The evening before, I said to Rob in my mind: "Rob, if it that difficult for you to show yourself, please come in a way you can bear, but please come."
I had two out-of-body experiences this early morning. I had extended my search method: I now called his name, but did more than call him. I spoke to people (spirits), giving them his full name ("Do you know Rob Nanninga?" "Have you seen Rob Nanninga?" "If you do, would you please tell him, I'm looking for him?" And I had found another method: I was writing his name on small pieces of paper, handing them out to people (spirits).
Again, I realize to the fullest, Rob's skeptic friends will raise their eyebrows, and maybe, not wanting to appear too mean or grim, will say, I'm dreaming, for sure. I don't see valid evidence that people can not step out of their bodies or move away from a physical point of view/experience. While being a skeptic myself, I still believe and think out-of-body experiences are to be taken very seriously. Maybe a few people will give this a second thought.
So, there I was, having a second out-of-body experience, and having heard the famous whizzing sounds before going out of body, I was writing his name on a piece of paper at a counter, planning to give it to the guy behind it. Of course, the out-of-body experience was much more elaborate than this, but I'm summarizing the main event.
Suddenly, I felt his strong arms hugging me from behind me and Rob's (astral) body pressing against mine in a bear hug. Taller than me, with his head bend downwards, he was crying intensely with jolts while embracing me. An immense relief came over me, an immense happiness. I just knew it was him, this is like instant knowledge you have during OBEs.
I found him. Or rather: he found me! For whatever reason - but I suspect he couldn't bear it any longer, my fruitless cries for him - he had come, finally. A huge burden fell off me, because now, my fruitless search was over. I stood still; a very experienced astral traveler, I know hectic movements can disturb an out-of-body experience, and I certainly didn't want to disturb this one. But I reached backwards with my arm for him and pressed his arm, to at least respond in some way, other than by being blissfully happy. (Which he certainly felt).
Then this OBE was over and I returned to my body, and still felt he was holding me for about or minute or so, a very clear felt embrace, in my physical body as well. My hug lion, I found him, he found me. Then, emotions got the best of me as well.
I was so happy and still am, because of this fortunate turn of events.
But I still have a huge problem. I still miss Rob, him always being there (for me), even at times when he didn't answer me, I knew he was there, reading me, knowing he was sitting behind his computer screen or looking at his iPad, just like me. He was an extremely soft and wise force, but as strong as he was gentle. He still is. Rob is a very rare, extremely powerful force to be reckoned with. And I did, with my only answer to that: love.
This is not over, in fact, it may be just beginning. I wonder what my life has in store for me now; my soul mate has gone. How can I live a life without him, when he is no longer physically present? Can I? I'm not sure. I want to meet him again, face to face, astrally-physical ( I can feel him in an astral-physical way too), since this is now the only way.
It's "Lion, where are you?" all over again.
Rob Nanninga - One of the three recent drawings I made of him
- Jeroen and I were in San Diego recently, and I videotaped this in Old Town, San Diego.
Update the next morning (October 16, 2014): This early morning too, I had an astral experience with Rob in it.
My mother, Thérèse, who passed away this year as well (July 8, 2014) was there and Rob.
In the second part I was alone with Rob extensively. He still doesn't show himself clearly, but he was there, loving me. It was very beautiful: before this, I saw various silhouettes of majestic lions.
Update November 1, 2014: Regarding my out-of-body experiences: I'm at an all time high, I've never been so often and so much out of body (and compared to other people, I already was such a conscious and frequent astral traveler).
I won't start counting this year yet, but last weeks, I have been traveling out almost every day, and this even to me is unprecedented. These OBEs all (or: almost all) involve (looking for or meeting) Rob. He has released high potency OBE power; he apparently is the ultimate reason to (find compelling reasons to my sub and/or superconscious mind to) travel out of my body.
Maybe I'll tell more about this later.
I have two new cuddly lions, it's a true Love Story: